It's all about me....and I'm tired

I'm tired. I'm tired of Dave's Alzheimers, that goes without saying. It's a disease that sucks at every opportunity. There is never a positive article, or any positive news about not only not finding a cure, but just finding something to help! I have been researching and talking to lots of friends that have loved ones with Alz. Dave takes Namenda, and I'm not sure why. I don't see any improvement in his memory or his ability to do tasks. I just look at it as 1 more pill he has to take every day. If there is no marked improvement, or any sign of anything, why does he have to continue to take it? Most of my friends have stopped all Alz related drugs. Some still need Seroquel (those who are unfortunate enough to have severe rage and anger issues), but the majority of them have decided to cut the Alz meds entirely. I think I am going to join them. Rest assured I would not do this without consulting Dr. Shtrahman, but we are absolutely going to discuss it at our next appointment.

I'm tired. I'm tired of not having 1 day off in the 7 they call a week. I thought having Matt here was going to be a bigger help than it is. Don't get me wrong, it is a help, but I seem to be doing all the cooking (except Sunday breakfast), and most of the cleaning. I told Matt last week that I was going to hire a house cleaner and he was going to have to pay half the cost. He's decided that he will take over the bathroom cleaning (we only have 1 with 3 people), so we'll see how long that lasts. Today (Sunday) he is working on his condo (he's getting it ready to rent) so guess what I'm doing? Yea, that's right....babysitting. In addition to cleaning the rest of the house, I get to do that! And did I mention that Heather comes for dinner every Sunday? Matt usually cooks, but he's "busy" today, so I will. OH GOD!!!! Okay, now I'm whining.

I'm tired. I'm tired of watching Dave do less and less. He sleeps 16-18 hours a day. In fact, he's laying on the couch behind me right now....snoring. It's 12 freakin 20 in the afternoon! This is heart related. He has no energy, and that's because his heart is only functioning at about 20%, and now that he's in A-Fib, it's probably less. Tomorrow we are down to the VA in West LA for all his tests (pre-surgery they let slip on the phone Friday). I know it's going to be a long ass day. We have to be there at 9:00, his last test is at 3:00.

I'm tired. I'm tired and cranky and I feel like a shit heal for being tired and cranky. I can't help it. Let's face it...I'm struggling and I don't know how or who to ask for help. I guess I better hit the internet and see what I can find. I long for the days when we used to wake up on the weekends, plan our day, and be gone all day. I looked forward to going back to work on Monday because I was energized and rested. I don't even know what that feels like anymore.

I guess the bottom line is this. I want my husband and my life back. We didn't ask for this awful disease! Unless you live with an Alz hubby or wife, I'm not sure anyone can relate to what it's like. I look at Dave, and he's not the man I married 33 years ago. I hardly know him anymore. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes I'm resentful. Is that horrid? Well, it is what it is. I can't help it. I'll try and do better.

Well, that's my rant from the blogosphere this week. It may not be warm and fuzzy, but it's real. Thanks for stopping by to take a read (although you may regret it after reading this somewhat self indulgent post!) 2 things I want to mention before I sign off...Dory - thanks for the DVD's. They were really helpful and I appreciate your thoughtfulness. Theresa - HAPPY BIRTHDAY girlfriend! I love you! To the rest of you, I wish for you health, happiness and continued love. See ya next time, I love you all!